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| My First Day Reporting To Work as an Assistant Professor |
In the above picture I am half smiling and half fighting back tears. I wanted to document my first day on the job. I had mixed emotions. I was both excited and confused. Although, I was and am extremely grateful for the position, that feeling was contrasted with the overwhelming suspicion that there was a rough ride ahead. I thought to myself, "This is just like God. He gave me exactly what I asked for but was sure to add in stretching and growth opportunities along with it." In the above picture, I had just been introduced to my work space. More specifically, I had been introduced to a shared cubicle space.
I had hoped that I would have my own office, with my own decor, with a name plate on the door or on my desk. I imagined myself having a place where I could close the door and think and work and contemplate. In graduate school, you learn that there is a tiered hierarchy of sorts and a graduate student is not too far up that food chain. So, my work space from 2007 until about 2013 was a shared cubicle work space. It's hard being a grown woman, with bills to pay, a mortgage, and children you are helping to raise while at the same time treated like a third grader when it comes to work space. (Actually, a third grader probably gets his/her own desk.) Ha! Anyhow, I thought two degrees later and with a title in front of my name, that surely I had climbed that food chain a bit. I was wrong.
I didn't even have my own cubicle space at the beginning. Everyday I had to jump on to whichever computer was available. Some cubicles had working computers and others had ancient ones that took forever just to boot up. Some computers were connected to the printers and some were not. I couldn't bring my personal belongings to work or leave my work at work. I lugged things back and forth to school for a while until I resorted to working from home. Below is a snapshot of me working from my living room.
I had hoped that I would have my own office, with my own decor, with a name plate on the door or on my desk. I imagined myself having a place where I could close the door and think and work and contemplate. In graduate school, you learn that there is a tiered hierarchy of sorts and a graduate student is not too far up that food chain. So, my work space from 2007 until about 2013 was a shared cubicle work space. It's hard being a grown woman, with bills to pay, a mortgage, and children you are helping to raise while at the same time treated like a third grader when it comes to work space. (Actually, a third grader probably gets his/her own desk.) Ha! Anyhow, I thought two degrees later and with a title in front of my name, that surely I had climbed that food chain a bit. I was wrong.
I didn't even have my own cubicle space at the beginning. Everyday I had to jump on to whichever computer was available. Some cubicles had working computers and others had ancient ones that took forever just to boot up. Some computers were connected to the printers and some were not. I couldn't bring my personal belongings to work or leave my work at work. I lugged things back and forth to school for a while until I resorted to working from home. Below is a snapshot of me working from my living room.
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| On this particular day...I felt pretty good about my classes and my students. |
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| The unsuspecting, happy camper... |
I know all this selfish office space talk sounds pretty shallow. The things that matter most have been available through this job. I get to work with preservice teachers and prepare them to work with different types of children, including my precious English learners. Through this job, I get to teach literacy courses, ESL methods, and the foundations of bilingual education. One aspect of the job that I have particularly loved is that many of my students are individuals that very well could have been my 1st or 2nd grade students from years ago. In addition, I am able to work with pre-service teachers that want to become bilingual teachers. What an amazing gift to be a part of such journeys!
However, with each semester and each year more and more tasks outside of teaching slowly crept their way into my life. I started spending a lot of time on undergraduate and graduate recruitment, developing a new masters degree, planning a study abroad, working on writing growth plans for prospective students, screening new students, working with local school teachers on co-teaching and on the concept of professional development schools, attending conferences that I really didn't care about, and of course attending meeting after meeting. The lovely aspects of my job started to occupy less and less of my time and everything else more and more of my time. The tenure process does not allow for me to say yes to some things and no to others. Everyone in my department is required to do all of the above things. I am not really in a position to request that I only do the things that I want to do and chuck the rest. I was staying up late and getting up early to get my weekly tasks done and that did not include research or writing.
In the fall semester, I found myself neglecting those that REALLY matter to me...Todd, Jack, and Luca. I found myself not doing normal things like cooking, shopping, or doing laundry. I once loved gardening and growing vegetables. I don't do it anymore. And as one could predict, I allowed work to creep its way into all hours and days of the week. I was spending more and more "at home time" on school work. I stayed up late or got up early to grade. I had no energy to exercise or to spend quality time with my children and I was always stressed. Then, my spring schedule came out. This semester I have two night classes back to back. This means that with my kiddos at school during the day time and with me at work during the night time, I am away from my family for 48 hours. Um. No. I'm done.
After a lot of thinking and praying I realized that I am spending 80% of my time working on someone else's passions or working on the institution's goals, and essentially working on things that I do not LOVE. I am spending time away from those I do LOVE while working on things that are not important to me at all. What kind of life is that? After MANY conversations with Todd...together we decided that I would resign. So with the new year, I wrote my letter of resignation.
I have no doubt that God placed me in my present job. I have had many confirmations along the way. However, I do not think this job was ever the place where He intended for me to stay. I think my office space calamity is a little symbolic of this impermanent situation. I was never able to settle in, get comfortable, feel at home, or even unpack! I think He is calling me to do something new, different, and outside of my comfort zone. I am not sure what that thing is quite yet, but I am prayerful and I am listening. What I do know is that God gave me specific passions, gifts, and talents. He has reminded me of why I went into education in the first place. He has reminded who I am and what is most important in life. He has also had 40 years to develop skills in me and to provide me with a multitude of experiences to use in whatever comes next. I am praying for a job where I can use those gifts and talents, and where I can tap into those God given passions. I desire to be able to say that I love what I do. I pray that whatever comes next allows for me to be present with my family and that it inspires my children to never grow complacent. It's a little scary not knowing the future, but as I have done in the past, I will trust that God is leading me to where he wants me to be.
However, with each semester and each year more and more tasks outside of teaching slowly crept their way into my life. I started spending a lot of time on undergraduate and graduate recruitment, developing a new masters degree, planning a study abroad, working on writing growth plans for prospective students, screening new students, working with local school teachers on co-teaching and on the concept of professional development schools, attending conferences that I really didn't care about, and of course attending meeting after meeting. The lovely aspects of my job started to occupy less and less of my time and everything else more and more of my time. The tenure process does not allow for me to say yes to some things and no to others. Everyone in my department is required to do all of the above things. I am not really in a position to request that I only do the things that I want to do and chuck the rest. I was staying up late and getting up early to get my weekly tasks done and that did not include research or writing.
In the fall semester, I found myself neglecting those that REALLY matter to me...Todd, Jack, and Luca. I found myself not doing normal things like cooking, shopping, or doing laundry. I once loved gardening and growing vegetables. I don't do it anymore. And as one could predict, I allowed work to creep its way into all hours and days of the week. I was spending more and more "at home time" on school work. I stayed up late or got up early to grade. I had no energy to exercise or to spend quality time with my children and I was always stressed. Then, my spring schedule came out. This semester I have two night classes back to back. This means that with my kiddos at school during the day time and with me at work during the night time, I am away from my family for 48 hours. Um. No. I'm done.
After a lot of thinking and praying I realized that I am spending 80% of my time working on someone else's passions or working on the institution's goals, and essentially working on things that I do not LOVE. I am spending time away from those I do LOVE while working on things that are not important to me at all. What kind of life is that? After MANY conversations with Todd...together we decided that I would resign. So with the new year, I wrote my letter of resignation.
I have no doubt that God placed me in my present job. I have had many confirmations along the way. However, I do not think this job was ever the place where He intended for me to stay. I think my office space calamity is a little symbolic of this impermanent situation. I was never able to settle in, get comfortable, feel at home, or even unpack! I think He is calling me to do something new, different, and outside of my comfort zone. I am not sure what that thing is quite yet, but I am prayerful and I am listening. What I do know is that God gave me specific passions, gifts, and talents. He has reminded me of why I went into education in the first place. He has reminded who I am and what is most important in life. He has also had 40 years to develop skills in me and to provide me with a multitude of experiences to use in whatever comes next. I am praying for a job where I can use those gifts and talents, and where I can tap into those God given passions. I desire to be able to say that I love what I do. I pray that whatever comes next allows for me to be present with my family and that it inspires my children to never grow complacent. It's a little scary not knowing the future, but as I have done in the past, I will trust that God is leading me to where he wants me to be.
